- 3 weeks ago
- 1 month ago
"Live through this and you won’t look back."
- 2 months ago
Now that my hair is growing back, I decided it was time for a change 💜💜💜
- 3 months ago
I’ve been stuck for a few months now, not just about what to write, but about what to do. In May, I found out my 6 month check up scan was still clear of any signs of lymphoma. Last time I was in remission, my 6 month scan was when I found out the cancer was back, so this meant going into uncharted territory. Glorious, cancer free, uncharted territory.
But I still wasn’t off the hook. The scan results also showed pneumonia in one of my lungs, landing me in the hospital for four days, a not so gentle reminder that, cancer or not, my immune system still isn’t what it used to be. During those days I finally accepted where I am now, where I’ve been since February or so: Remission Puberty.
Stay with me now, I know that sounds strange, but it makes sense to me. It’s the awkward stage between being sick and well, and, like the awkward phase you go through in middle school, it’s confusing and frustrating and it sucks. It’s having enough energy to go to classes but not having enough to keep up with the homework. It’s feeling well enough to go to a party one night, and then spending the entire next weekend watching Netflix because your potassium levels are running low for some reason. It’s “I’m sure you’ll be fine, but it’s probably safer not to do it,” when you ask your doctor about almost anything. It’s almost impossible to successfully navigate, and confuses everyone around you just as much as it does you. Basically, it sucks.
And it’s still where I’m stuck, but I’ve decided it’s time to get out. My doctor advised that, if possible, I not take a job or internship this summer, and instead work on my health and getting myself to what I’m now calling Remission Adulthood. I’m lucky enough to be in a position where I could take his advice, so that’s what I’m doing. And it’s hard. It’s hard to know if it’s good that I’m spending all day watching Bob’s Burgers because my body needs the rest or if I should be pushing myself to get out of bed every single day. It’s hard to know if pushing my lungs to get me through an 8 mile hike is a good way to build their stamina or if it’s just completely dangerous. I have to ask myself these kind of questions every day, because the answer is usually never the same. But I’m getting better at figuring out the right one.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still in Remission Puberty, but I’m ready to get out. It’s time for Adolescence, at the very least. So I’m back, and I should be posting more often now, because a big part of getting to where I want to be is getting back to writing, and not just about cancer anymore.
Tl;Dr: I’m bad at being a kind of sick person, but I’m getting better.