Posts Tagged: ellen


Modern medicine is insane. There is so much going on right now that I need to write about (going to Ellen today!) but I first I have to talk about Ativan. Ativan is a drug that’s used to calm anxiety and anticipatory nerves. Since a lot of my nausea and even some of my pain seems to come from those two things, especially when I’m in the hospital, my nurses and doctors have been suggesting Ativan for awhile now. What they failed to mention is that it messes with your brain. I will never take it again.

It started in the hospital, although I’m just finding this out now. I was in a pretty foggy state the whole time I was there, but apparently it was worse than I realized. On numerous occasions I told my mom I saw people who weren’t there, and even told her there was a cat standing on the table. I also called her an “asshole” which she, and the rest of the hospital staff, found very amusing. I don’t remember any of this. I also don’t remember watching an episode of Modern Family, two episodes of The Office, writing any of the blog I last posted, quite a few of the texts I sent, and a tweet that read “I think I’m starting to hallucinate. Steven Martin checked. But like for real. This is how Scary Moves start.Time for sleep to consume me.” Still no idea what that meant.

I could deal with all that, I actually find it all pretty funny, if it wasn’t for what started Monday night when we got home for the hospital. I’ve heard people talk about night terrors, and I’ve had some pretty horrible nightmares before, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. Imagine feeling like you’re completely awake, and all of a sudden you can’t move or speak. I’m completely conscious, but it feels like something is grabbing me, holding me down, and I can’t force my eyes open or get any sound out of mouth. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s honestly the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. I made my mom sleep in my room last night because sometimes I can make a small noise or movement that let’s her know to shake me out of it, and it freaked her out too. We linked everything back to when I started taking the Ativan and emailed my doctor and he agreed that I should stop taking it immediately. Hopefully I’ll start sleeping normally now.

Despite all that, today was so much fun! My mom and I got tickets to The Ellen Show back in January and today was the finally the day we got to go. We didn’t know the guests until we got there, so we were super excited when we found out they were Adam Levine (who is even more gorgeous in person) and Sophia Grace and Rosie (the cutest things ever). We ended up with really good seats, the show was hilarious, and the whole day was pretty awesome.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and chemo next week, so hopefully everything is on the right track now! 


Yesterday was my second day of chemo and one month since I first went to the USC Health Clinic with chest pains and a weird bump on my chest. It feels like it’s been a million years. 

I woke up feeling about a million times better than I did on Monday, so I was pretty sure my white blood cell count wouldn’t be a problem. All the nurses kept saying I was like a different person since I was in such a good mood, which was nice to hear because I know they deal with plenty of grumpy patients so I try my best to keep smiling. 

After they drew blood and sent it in to make sure everything was good to go, mom and I got breakfast at Starbucks and then wandered the hospital/waiting room until they got an open spot for me so I could start the chemo.  When we finally got settled in we started chatting with the woman in the chair across from mine. It turned out she graduated from USC in the 90’s so we had plenty to talk about. It was really cool to hear about what it was like in her day and how much we still had to relate about. Sadly her treatments are usually on Fridays not Thursdays like mine should be from now, but I’m hoping to see her around again.

I can’t even begin to describe how much easier yesterday’s chemo was than the first time. I want to hug whoever invented this port. They gave me Tylenol and Benadryl ahead of time, which was awesome because I had zero allergic reaction to the Bleomycine (the one that gave me those awful chills and fevers last time). I was a little worried going into the last drug because of how much it hurt last time, but I didn’t feel a thing.  Thank you so much for everyone who prayed that everything would go well. 

We got back around 6:30 and I immediately fell asleep, and stayed asleep for 16 hours. Definitely a solid night’s rest in my opinion. I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. A little tired, a little nauseous, and I have some nice black eyes going on (totally normal), but all things considered I feel good.

In other news, we also got a wheelchair for me a couple days ago. There’s a lot of days when I have the energy to go out, but walking more than a couple blocks completely winds me.  There’s also been a few days when I’ve had to go to the hospital for blood work and barely been able to get out of bed, so we talked to the social worker at the hospital and they delivered one to out apartment 2 days later. I honestly love it. Just being able to get out of the house everyday is awesome, and mom and I have already had so many hilarious times while she’s pushing me around. Things like going to the mall and site seeing are also way more possible now. 

I’m also pretty excited for the next few months. Aside from getting better, Elise is coming to visit me at the beginning of March and mom and I got tickets to the Ellen show in April! All things considered, life is pretty good.