Modern medicine is insane. There is so much going on right now that I need to write about (going to Ellen today!) but I first I have to talk about Ativan. Ativan is a drug that’s used to calm anxiety and anticipatory nerves. Since a lot of my nausea and even some of my pain seems to come from those two things, especially when I’m in the hospital, my nurses and doctors have been suggesting Ativan for awhile now. What they failed to mention is that it messes with your brain. I will never take it again.
It started in the hospital, although I’m just finding this out now. I was in a pretty foggy state the whole time I was there, but apparently it was worse than I realized. On numerous occasions I told my mom I saw people who weren’t there, and even told her there was a cat standing on the table. I also called her an “asshole” which she, and the rest of the hospital staff, found very amusing. I don’t remember any of this. I also don’t remember watching an episode of Modern Family, two episodes of The Office, writing any of the blog I last posted, quite a few of the texts I sent, and a tweet that read “I think I’m starting to hallucinate. Steven Martin checked. But like for real. This is how Scary Moves start.Time for sleep to consume me.” Still no idea what that meant.
I could deal with all that, I actually find it all pretty funny, if it wasn’t for what started Monday night when we got home for the hospital. I’ve heard people talk about night terrors, and I’ve had some pretty horrible nightmares before, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. Imagine feeling like you’re completely awake, and all of a sudden you can’t move or speak. I’m completely conscious, but it feels like something is grabbing me, holding me down, and I can’t force my eyes open or get any sound out of mouth. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s honestly the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. I made my mom sleep in my room last night because sometimes I can make a small noise or movement that let’s her know to shake me out of it, and it freaked her out too. We linked everything back to when I started taking the Ativan and emailed my doctor and he agreed that I should stop taking it immediately. Hopefully I’ll start sleeping normally now.
Despite all that, today was so much fun! My mom and I got tickets to The Ellen Show back in January and today was the finally the day we got to go. We didn’t know the guests until we got there, so we were super excited when we found out they were Adam Levine (who is even more gorgeous in person) and Sophia Grace and Rosie (the cutest things ever). We ended up with really good seats, the show was hilarious, and the whole day was pretty awesome.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and chemo next week, so hopefully everything is on the right track now!